When Sunrise Comes
by IanPhilippe
Summary: [KeixShou] What would you feel if you were prepared to die, if you almost physically needed to end it all... and you were saved? What would happen if the vampire who hates himself for being a monster made you the same? Filling the gap. Rated to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

**When Sunrise Comes**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Moonchild movie or characters and actors from this movie. No harm intended, no profit made.

**Warnings: **YAOI, of course ;)

**Pairings:** Shou/Kai

**A/N:** Things that happened after Shou became a vampire… from Shou's point of view.

**Part I. ****Li****fe**** to Death**

I've never in all my human life wanted to be a vampire.

Well, that's obviously a lie – as all human beings, I sometimes thought "It would be great to be immortal," or "How would it feel, to have all the time in this world for whatever I want to do?" Every single person on this little planet has thought about it, at least once, at least faintly wondered if there was a way to make one's life neverending.

I told Kei, once. I was ten and he was… god only knows. I guess he was twenty and he was thousand at the same time – his eyes always looked immortal. Not in that bad-horror-movie immortal way, not bloodshot, not wit pupils so dilated that the white of his eye was invisible. No – Kei's eyes were always normal, as far as that word goes. It was just time they took to look at everything, even to avert their gaze from things. As if he wanted to remember every second – or just took his time analyzing everything around.

"I'd like to know how it feels to be immortal," I told him – not really asked, since I didn't expect an answer. There were days when Kei just wouldn't speak no matter what and that day seemed to be one of those… but his dark, _normal_ eyes just slowly slipped from the window – it rained that day heavily – and drowned in my own stare. And he smiled – I can see it clearly even now – smiled his kindest, saddest smile, words leaving his lips as sluggishly as his look drifted across the room.

"I've lived only decades of my own eternity, and it's longer than you'd want, Shou."

I didn't understand then – what could be more wonderful than not having to worry about death? was what I thought – and I don't claim to understand now… I'm only remembering this for comparison, to reason why I was so surprised when I found myself on a bed that certainly could have been more comfortable, blinking at the walls around me I didn't recognize, and placing a hand on my stomach only to find it whole, healed and without a trace of scar.

The most curious thing about that particular waking up was the calendar.

It was one day after I died.

The only thing that drew him to me was my lack of fear. One could say I was reckless, foolish, even – when a prey sees its hunter, it runs. I stood there, pretty much aware of the fact that after the man he just killed, I could be a dessert.

But I would hardly describe it as bravery – something in Kei's eyes told me that he won't hurt me, and that was what drew _me_ to _him_ (if I don't count the first sight of his silver watch and ring, of course). Not being hurt by someone - that was more than I could wish for in that city full of murderers, thieves and other deviants. I was one of them, after all.

I really don't know what forced Kei to stay with me for so long after our encounter. He practically raised me, but never tried to be a parent to me and now, after all I've lived through, I think his reason was that lack of fear I always possessed. I wanted someone I didn't have to fear, and he wanted someone who wouldn't fear him – and thus, we were a perfect duo. None of my brothers ever managed to fully trust Kei – of course they never spoke about it, but now and then I could see, or more than that _sense_ the tiny sparkle of fear in their eyes, wherever they saw Kei feed.

I don't even know when it was that I started loving him. Maybe I always did and only needed to realize. Maybe it was then, when he was on another of his rebellion let's-starve-to-death crusades. He never really accomplished anything by it, but it didn't prevent him from doing that from time to time. He behaved like a woman in PMS during those diets, nervous, too self-conscious and edgy all the time – and he almost killed me (not literally, of course) when I mentioned it to him once.

That time wasn't too different – as usual, he brought up the issue of his immortality. But somehow his words dawned on me at full force and I wasn't able to keep my cool as I usually did. Hearing him speak of my death and seeing him suffer, to that I was getting used, slowly. But then, when I saw him so helpless and sorry, his eyes full of emotions and suddenly not so slow in their nervous sideways glances, I realized how small he'd become over last years, how skinny, seemingly fragile, how very pale he looked in that artificial light.

I cried then, sobbing silently and making him come to my side and pat my head reassuringly, just as he did when I was just a brat. It was him now, the shorter and smaller one, but still, my tears were the ones that needed to be dried by his long fingers, his sad smile telling me to stop. I felt Kei's breath in my hair and I leaned forward to rest my head on his chest, covered in a flashy shirt – was it me who defined his style in clothing, or did I like the same style because I grew up by his side?

At that very moment, I didn't want to leave his side even for a second. Maybe he had eternity and maybe he would live for another millennium or two, but I won't – that's what I told myself as I clung to almost cool fabric of his shirt. He patted me once more, telling me not to waste my life indoors and sent me off to celebrate something; I can't even remember what it was.

It seems I forgot a lot of things… important ones, insignificant ones, the ones I once cherished. Nothing seems worth remembering now, but some things just pop up in my head.

Like her.

Yi-Che was just a random girl we met on another of our countless adventures, too shy, not talking, not even smiling. She wasn't even pretty enough to be interesting.

And she loved him, too, I know it. I knew it when I married her after Kei had gone, when I made love to her and when she first smiled at me, with our newborn daughter in her arms; I knew the bond between us wasn't love for each other. It was love for Kei, love that each of us held secretly in deepest levels of our heart, hidden from the world. I never learned what Yi-Che thought about my reasons for being with her: I doubt she believed I loved her. I also don't think she cared - it was Kei she wanted and couldn't have, so after a long struggle to be happy, she settled for me instead. Maybe it was even our shared secret passion for the vampire that made us get along so well - the understanding of unattainable that joined us.

I didn't marry her because I loved her or because I needed to get married soon. I don't really know what had gotten to me then... maybe I wanted to comfort myself, convince my own stubborn mind that I didn't need Kei, that I could very well live without him. Kei was an earthquake that shook through my life only with being present and I wanted to make my life solid, stable for once. Yi-Che was a good foundation stone for just that. I convinced myself it was for the best, I even convinced her.

Well, I couldn't make it come true – miracles don't happen in this life.

When I saw _him_ there with my daughter, the very child that was born with him in my mind - and Yi-Che's as well, no doubt - I almost cried. It was as if those long years of separation never happened and he was just there, wild, smirking and licking his lips, leering at me provocatively and yet far too innocently to be really depraved. It was as if I was capable of being the good ol' Shou once more, the one without grudges, mortal enemies and a kid from woman he never loved.

I dragged him to the hospital and told him to hold her hand. Not that I really wanted him to, mind you. It was just that uncontrollable, nagging feeling of guilt deep inside me that made me, because I somehow felt responsible for her current state, for her being a living corpse instead of the girl she had once been. She could have been, if it wasn't for me. It was me who gave her the life she wasn't able to withstand, and I was never able to support her with my love, not once. She understood, I repeated silently and I know she did... but nevertheless, the guilt remained and Kei's hand on her cold fingers felt like I was making it up to her, paying off a nonexistent debt, if only a little.

I'm glad Kei was always the rational one. Well, seeing the state in which I'm now, not always... but most of the time, when I needed someone to tell me that my idea was just load of crap. Like at that time, when I asked Kei to turn Yi-Che into a vampire. I was sincere about it, I thought it was a good idea then, because something gave me the sick idea that if Yi-Che were to be a vampire, she wouldn't die, she would be able to be with Kei, at least for a while, and my consciousness wouldn't be killing me with guilt. And yet I feared nothing more than that he would say "Yes."

He didn't, of course; instead, he glared at me with that fuck-off look of his and told me that he was a monster, that he could not do it to that girl. His eyes were full of pain and I hated it, hated the idea of his sadness belonging to Yi-Che even for a second, hated his pity for her, even if no one in my narrow world deserved pity more than poor little Yi-Che, dying after her short life of being confined to a man who loved the very guy that held her heart too.

I convinced myself that it was not me who should atone, and that I needed to kill someone out of pure rage that ran through my body. I pushed a gun into Kei's hand as he sat on the couch and sang his sad song about dawn. He looked so utterly helpless that I could barely stand straight. His deep, dark eyes were filled with "save me" and "tell me what to do" and though he never spoke it aloud, I knew he needed guidance, because there wasn't any goal in his life and there was no point in his death, so he entrusted me with both and hoped I will find a direction to take.

I tried.

And I failed us both.

When I died, I didn't feel any regrets. I didn't feel the need to stay in this world any longer - I selfishly couldn't bear the thought of forever beautiful, forever young Kei seeing me wither, go bald and senile. I wanted to be as forever young in his memories as he was in mine, from that first day I found him, without a purpose in life and as in need of guidance as that day before we set out to kill Chan. I honestly didn't even think about begging him to become a vampire - even as I lay on the ground, bleeding and panting, it never occurred to me that I would like to be a vampire. I never wanted eternity - somewhere deep underneath the love I had for Kei, under all that self-pity and guilt, I wanted to die. Not because I didn't have purpose in life... it was some screwed-up kind of revenge against Kei, against those years he left me alone to watch all the people around me die. I wanted to be the one to die now - not the last one, not the one who remains behind to bury all. I was content to die in Kei's arms when he gathered me up from the dirt and held me close to his chest with bleeding holes from gunshots. Not that he avoided touching me before, but I never felt so close, so intimate with him as those few seconds, when I felt my death was near.

In those few seconds, my whole life should have been displayed in front of me as some kind of sick horror movie, but instead, I saw Kei. Not the one holding me close and calling my name, repeating "Don't die, you must not die," as some weird chant. I saw the Kei as I've seen him when I first met him, when he killed the man who was after me and my brothers and he looked up, lips covered in blood, dark eyes hungry and so very ALIVE, his long, golden hair making him a princess, a strange, twisted princess from my dreams. Well, I was never a knight in shining armor, either... that was my last thought as I reached to touch those golden sunrays in his hair once again, only to find nothing under my touch and then, it was only darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part II. ****From Death to Life**

As I already said, waking up was a surprise on its own. No one can really comprehend the chaos in a soul that was ready to depart for whatever comes after Death, only to be wide awake and alive the next moment.

Those first moments were Hell in the most materialized form I've ever experienced. Not only because I was shocked and couldn't understand why I was alive, but my whole body was on fire. With cold fingertips, I touched my own forehead, even that faintest touch making me cringe with pain. It was well over the point of normal fever – I suppressed the irrational reflexes of my body, telling me to withdraw my fingers if I don't want them burned. Of course, nothing like that happened, but the calming feeling of something cool against my skin soon stopped being enough to make the pain better and I heard myself whine softly, momentarily unable to even be ashamed.

Then, I saw him.

Leaning against the wall, he was watching me with a sad smile and a weird look that seemed like he himself couldn't believe I was alive. I reached out my hand to him, but just as at the moment of my supposed death, I couldn't reach him.

"Water…" I whispered in quiet, rasp voice and Kei just shook his head, moving a few steps closer, but still out of my reach.

"You can't. It won't help your condition now."

I wanted to retort something about me knowing the best about my own body, and what he could possibly know about human construction, but the second I took my breath to tell him, my insides churned violently and I felt everything inside me stir painfully.

Kei dragged me to the toilet – I don't even remember the movement, just that porcelain white in front of my face as I lost what I had in my stomach. It hurt even to breathe, so I tried to go without, but my lungs demanded oxygen with violence that made me look closely towards the porcelain once more.

Gasping for breath and feeling I had nothing more to throw up, I almost fell to the floor, enjoying the cool tiles on my skin for a while and then curling in pain as something grabbed on my insides and squeezed. Tight.

I could see the blood streaking the porcelain even with the tears in my eyes. I wasn't able to stop throwing up, maybe because of the copper taste in my mouth after each and every one of many coughs and spits of blood. When, finally, the pain from my stomach ceased, my whole body started shivering violently, feeling so cold suddenly that I wanted to just curl up like a child to save up a little heat. I felt Kei beside me, settling down on the floor next to me and hugging me tightly, giving me what little warmth he had.

"Don't be scared," he whispered to me and his warm breath was more comforting to me than his words.

"W…what…" I managed, my teeth clicking loudly, the tremble of my body unstoppable even with Kei's firm grip on me.

"Don't worry," he repeated, "it's just your body dying."

If I had the strength then to be terrified, I would. But as I was, I could only tremble in pain and wish it all to stop.

It didn't, for several hours. I sat on the cold tiles, shivering like a leaf in the wind and occasionally throwing up some more. Kei explained later that it was my new, vampire body trying to purify itself from all the human filth I had left inside me. My whole being had to be rebuilt and it was a slow, painful process.

Thankfully, I can't quite remember the whole thing, but according to Kei's words, I eventually stopped shaking and bleeding and just lost consciousness.

Next time I woke up, the pain and the fever were all gone and when I saw Kei, my first reaction was to lunge at him. I was still almost unconscious of what I'd become, which meant I didn't have the willpower needed to resist such urges. So I just went with the flow and _did _it.

When I became fully aware of what exactly I'd done, my eyes widened in surprise. Of course, I wasn't able to hold him pinned to the wall for more than a second, until he counterattacked and threw me across the room. But still, I felt that the gap between our abilities, which had once been so wide, had lessened. The difference between us was more than that of a Master and a new student, instead of a lion and a worm, never capable of overcoming that difference. What I lacked was experience, not power – I felt the strength bubble under my skin; I could hear my muscles rippling, waiting for another attack.

But it never came and Kei only smirked, running his hand through his hair tiredly.

"So how do you feel, Shou?"

I wanted to answer, but couldn't, for some reason. I didn't even know what the answer would be – my body didn't hurt anymore, but it did not mean I was okay. I felt… blank, without purpose, without anything to really feel, now that the pain was gone. So I just growled at him, a strange sound, strangely familiar – and let him guess what it meant.

His smirk only widened.

"Hungry?"

I shook my head – the mere thought of food made my stomach turn upside down again and I still remembered the previous night – or was it really…?

"How long…?" I asked, and Kei shrugged.

"Three days. It took me a week to completely transform, so bear with it for a little longer. Your senses will sharpen soon enough."

It didn't make sense to me, not one of his words. Why I wasn't dead?

"What the hell are you…" blabbering about, I wanted to ask, but suddenly, his words dawned on me and I stared at him in disbelief – in horror, even. Me… a vampire… undead. Monster. Blood. Death. Kei telling me with tears in his eyes that he couldn't turn Yi-Che, because he hated his own existence…

"HOW COULD YOU?!" I yelled, disgusted at my own harsh voice, coming to me unfamiliar and uncontrolled. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, KEI!"

"I saved your life," he tried to reason, but when the nearby chair hit the wall on which he was previously leaning, he reconsidered and with a frown, turned to leave.

"I NEVER ASKED TO BE SAVED!" I cried hysterically, clutching at the light cotton shirt I was wearing – I didn't recognize it, but I was sure that the fabric wasn't made to be so scratchy and uncomfortable. It was driving me mad, that feeling of my skin being slowly torn to the point of bleeding… by a mere shirt.

"Calm down," he ordered me coolly and walked out of room, leaving me to my despair. After tearing down the clothes that became painfully rough, I was too exhausted to stay awake and once again yielded to the idea of refreshing sleep.

He was right.

My senses sharpened to the point when they were sharp enough to cut me. I heard roaring of cars outside as if I was lying on the road. Every breath I took was too loud for my own ears, even if I tried to be as quiet as possible. I felt every single thread of the covers on my bed cutting through my skin and it was hard to resist the urge to scratch at my over-sensitive body. The faintest of smells I never noticed before were making my head spin.

All of this was so terrifying that I couldn't help but just lie down there, not moving, trying not to make a sound even if my sole existence seemed too loud, too… real now. I was dead and I was too alive at the same time, realizing myself more than I ever did. More than I ever wanted.

And he was suddenly there with me.

Not just quietly being present behind my back, as he always did. Now, he was just as real as me, just as loud, just as unrestrained in his existence. It shocked me more than that self-awareness I developed – I've never been able to detect his presence, to see him if he didn't want to be seen, to hear his breathing and quiet footsteps. But now, it all seemed to me so naturally _here_ – I heard him approaching the room even before the creaking of the door tore my ears apart.

"Are you awake now?" he asked and I winced in pain, even if his words were a mere whisper. I wouldn't usually be able to hear it, I knew. I tried to turn my head and as the rough pillow came in contact with my face, I almost moaned – it felt as if my cheek was on fire.

"Hurt…" I breathed out, hoping he'd make it go away. But Kei's face was helpless, lost, when he approached me and sat down on my bed.

"I know. It will fade when you get used to it."

He touched my aching cheek and his cold hand was like a soothing salve on a burned flesh. I leaned into his touch, knowing that I shouldn't act this way, that I was angry at him, that all this was his fault, but I was too glad to actually touch something that didn't hurt. Even if that something was Kei's skin.

"Did you get to sleep?" his voice echoed with concern and I flinched again, as he forgot to whisper. He lowered his voice at once and lifted me up, making me sit on the bed and lean against him. His shirt seemed to be made of thousands of needles and I irrationally believed that any more pressure against them would actually pierce my skin.

"I know, I know. Shh… sorry." Kei seemed to recognize his mistake, because he shed his shirt immediately and held me close again.

It was strange, once again something I didn't understand, but his skin felt good against mine, the only good thing I remembered in this world full of pain. I had hugged Kei before, but it never felt this familiar, this precious to me.

"Better?" he whispered into my hair and I nodded, rubbing my cheek against his chest in the process.

"That's because I'm as artificial as you are now. Your body recognizes only mine in this world that's so new for you…" he sighed, then placed a little kiss on my forehead. His lips were warm and wet, and I felt even the tiniest bit of him touching me as separately and as complexly as I could never feel anything before. "That's what my Father told me when he made me. I don't really get it… but that's the only way I know to make you feel at least a bit better. So bear with it for a little longer, Shou."

I would, even if his whispers weren't so pleading, so intense. I would, only to feel him against me longer, to have his arms wrapped around me and making me feel safe – as safe as that strong embrace would make me feel on a ship about to sink to the depths of the ocean. As safe as I could feel with the knowledge that the hug won't make the situation any better in the long run, that it's just an illusion of comfort I receive before the final blow.

Now that I think about it, the pain must have made me dizzy and delusional, but that's how I felt at the time. That nothing would be better anymore, that there was nothing to look forward to, nothing to enjoy.

That was before I knew all of the aspects of immortality.


	3. Chapter 3

**Part III. After**

I woke up in Kei's arms and for a tiniest of seconds it seemed like a fairytale come true to me, as if I lived in one of those sappy movies for middle-aged housewives. For just a second I felt absolutely content and warm. For that precise second that it took me to realize that when I look at the thick curtains covering the window, and when I see the thin stripe of sun on the wall, I am suffocating with fear.

I pushed my whole body towards the wall, instinctively moving away from the light even if it couldn't hurt me at that distance. Kei stirred, opened his eyes and grinned at me, and I once again felt like strangling him.

"What have you done to me?" I hissed at him – I always loved sun, I_remembered_ that much… it was natural for me to walk the sun-lit streets, to gain energy from just being out there under all those golden rays, which resembled Kei's hair so much.

And now, I only recognized hatred for both. It was like suddenly hating your favourite ice-cream, something so weird and unnatural you could never imagine until you experience it. I was scared of things I used to love and that hatred scared me even more and it was so blindingly confusing I couldn't help but tremble.

"Are you alright?" he asked with a yawn and I hated him so completely I couldn't even bear to touch him, so I moved out of the bed, careful not to touch the stray sunray on the floor, and growled at him from the corner.

"Alright? I am damn not alright! I am a monster!"

"It's not so bad when you look at it from the brightest side."

I couldn't believe my ears. Was he really the same guy who cried while admitting that he hated his own existence?

"Oh yes. It's great, I am dead and walking."

"You're not dead. You have _time_ to live, which is far more than any human could ever achieve."

He looked at me with is eyes full of something. That something was bloodthirsty and mourning, mourning _me_, and it made me shiver with fear and anticipation at the same time. It almost made me believe in his words... but then, I remembered.

I remembered how it felt before I died, how I didn't mind ending my life just the way I did. How I didn't have any purpose in my previous life and I didn't have one now; how I felt numb, as if my soul and my body weren't entirely connected, as if my body was a very slow computer not really corresponding with my moves and thoughts, as if it weren't really _my_body.

"But you said... you said you were a monster," I pleaded, my voice rough with tears I just couldn't shed. I was sorry for myself, sorry for Kei I thought I knew and for all the things that I wanted to connect us. And they just didn't... _we_ just didn't seem to connect at all.

Kei's refined hands went through his messy hair and hid his face – maybe it was a good thing. I don't think I could bear to see his expression when he broke.

"You are right. I am sorry, Shou. I... I couldn't watch you die. Not you. Not there... and then. You seemed too young for that, even if you look older than me already... sorry, Shou-chan... I didn't really think back then. I just desperately clung to your life... I didn't want to let you leave me behind. Shou-chan... forgive me... I won't hold you back anymore. Do what you must..."

The tears gathered up in my eyes finally spilled when he called me that little stupid name from back then when he was more of a father to me than anyone else, when he would hold me in his arms to protect me while we slept on a street, not having enough money and luck to have a shelter for the night. That nickname that I didn't hear since he left me alone in the world I wasn't able to cope with. And hearing it now, when I was just thrown out into the storm by the very person I thought was my lighthouse, now it made those bloody tears spill and my eyes burn, just as they burned all those years back then, when I had understood he's not coming back.

Meanwhile, Kei seemed to have come up with some sort of resolution, to have made a decision that wasn't entirely his own but was a hard one nonetheless. When he looked up, his eyes were serious and strayed to the lost sunray spilled on the floor from behind the curtain.

I followed his look and understood what he meant. Him giving me that liberty was more than I could wish for and I felt how hard it was for him to accept that possibility, but still, I felt excited. Thrilled. Recklessly fighting and not caring if I died was one thing... and killing myself just by pulling one curtain back the other. It was freedom and it was pure horror, sweet and sour at the same time, and still, I couldn't help but want to do it.

And I couldn't move enough to do so.

"Kei... what comes after the Death?" I asked quietly, staring at my Death represented by golden stripe perfectly dividing the room to two parts, two worlds. Mine and Kei's, near each other and still never quite reaching the other one.

His look hurt almost physically, when he smiled.

"For me, it is this. There's no other _after_. As of you, I don't know. You'll have to find out by yourself."

Those words made me feel terribly lonely even with him in the room, and in the spur of moment, not wanting to die completely alone and God knows how, I tried asking him:

"Won't you...?"

I couldn't bring myself to complete that question... I didn't really know how to put it. Won't you be the one to kill me? Won't you go find the answer to the _after _with me? Nothing seemed appropriate.

And he got it, anyway.

But the sad lines around his mouth, still slightly smiling, said it all before he could.

"I won't. I am too big of a coward for that... I'm scared of watching people die, because that reminds me that I can still die, too. And I am scared of your _after_, Shou."

With that, he rose from the bed and his tense shoulders told me he didn't really want to say _goodbye_ but didn't want to say _stay_ either. So he said something different, something that didn't really count as either.

"I wish you more courage to do what you need to do, Shou-chan."

And as he closed the door behind him, I was once again that young reckless fool thrown out to the streets to live as I could, to live without his support and guidance, to decide for myself.

The fabric of the curtain was thick and wine-red and it shone like blood with all that sun behind it. A weird mixed feeling of morbid anticipation and incoherent fear stirred in me, like I'd pull it away and see myself in a coffin and people I buried would be standing around looking at me.

I stood there for a long time, the sun became less radiant or I just got used to feeling the filtered warmth on my skin. I stood there, thinking about many things and behind every single memory, every single smile and look that popped up in my head, there was an ever-present thought that I will never need those anymore, no memories, no nightmares, no unfulfilled hopes. And underneath the underneath, there was regret for all that, for all the years that were going to be blown away just by a mere look at the sun, the years that I've thrown away when I went to that rundown building with just a few shotguns and Kei at my back.

My throat was squeezed tight by the invisible hand and it felt like I was suffocating myself, like I was going against the nature when I touched that curtain and brought my hand, against my instincts, to pull it away.

Or at least I wanted to, I managed to only pull it a little and when the light hit the floor, unspeakable fear overcame me and I screamed, a deafening, mind-numbing scream I let out from my very insides, a scream that spoke of ashes and nothingness I was about to become a second ago, of sun that burned my eyes even as a mere reflection on the floor, of the sun that seemed to turn my blood to smoke even if it didn't touch me directly. I screamed like mad, and I _was_ mad at the moment, mad with the terror of being nearly dead and it felt as if I jumped from the fiftieth floor of a building and the ground was coming closer too quickly, with me being unable to stop it. I felt that I was falling, that my death was near and there was nothing after that, nothing, no reincarnation, no Heaven or Hell, just vanishing, not existing anymore and that felt a thousand times worse than any sort of _after_ I could imagine. That there was no _after_, I couldn't bear, and I clung to my immortality as the last hope, as I understood that this was my last chance, that I won't get another life to live, another mind, no more memories, no more touches, hugs, smiles, looks...

Finally, I understood what Kei meant by being a coward, a monster, by being scared of watching someone die. To watch a person die meant to watch their beliefs, their hopes and thoughts of afterlife, whatever they were, vanish into nothingness with that person's last breath. I stopped screaming when my throat couldn't take it anymore and started sobbing instead, when I understood that Kei's affection for me was what didn't let him watch me vanish, or at least I wanted to think so, wanted him to love me to that extent, and still hated him for making me this schizophrenic bastard, someone who knows people are going to die because of him, but still kills, still makes other people vanish in order to save himself from that very destiny. Someone who clings to a stupid dream that can never come true, someone who goes against himself in order to save what little he has left. Someone without any hope at all... someone, who got the answers to the ancient questions of living and dead and now, knows far more than he would like.

I wished I could go back to knowing nothing about all this, but there was no option like that for me and when Kei came back and silently knelt beside me, crouched on the floor, and put his arms around me, I cried loudly into his shirt, clung to him like he could make it all better and shared that mourning with him, the mourning of us, two lost little ships in a sea storm, without any lighthouse to be seen.

"I knew you couldn't," he whispered and I just sobbed, becoming a bit hysterical by now, but he let me loose, let me cry until exhaustion, never stopping me.

"I screamed just like that when I discovered I couldn't pull the curtains either... I hoped you'd be different... that you'll show me the way out of this... but we are the same, Shou-chan..." his hand caressed my tear-streaked face and I pulled him away from the way of that much-hated sunray, pulled him closer and cried myself to exhaustion, hoping it would just all go away.

And knowing it wouldn't.

**TBC...**

Reviews, please...? You know, reviews make Muses happy and kicking; and kicks make me work easier, so... gimme my kicks:op


	4. Chapter 4

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**When Sunrise Comes**

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**Disclaimer:** I don't own Moonchild movie or characters and actors from this movie. No harm intended, no profit made.

**Warnings: **YAOI, of course ;)

**Pairings:** Shou/Kai

**A/N:** Things that happened after Shou became a vampire… from Shou's point of view.

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**Part IV. ****Homo homini…**

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I tried my best to get accustomed to the heightened senses and the feeling of being lost. The first, I managed quickly enough, but the latter was the hard part.

I can't say I started hating Kei; I had never been capable of that, not when he had left us alone, not when he returned, not when I woke up alive after being killed. It was just the strange feeling of awkwardness around him, as if he was expecting something from me, as if I was supposed to do something I didn't quite understand.

I knew what he wanted as soon as I started feeling the hunger, for the first time since my death.

It wasn't exactly hunger in its real, human nature. My stomach didn't grumble at all, it was just the weird feeling of emptiness that left me in need for something I feared most. I tried to oppose it and slept a lot, even during the night. It helped to some extent and Kei left me be, disappeared on several occasions during the night and came back, glowing and looking sick and alive and unnaturally refreshed. I turned away and pretended to be asleep at those times, though I knew he was aware of my faked dreaming. I simply couldn't bear to look at him as I knew where he'd been, what he'd done and now it was even harder for me to accept, now that I understood the whole vampirism to the core.

Or so I thought – but soon, I was proven wrong in my self-pitying arrogance.

I endured the emptiness growing inside me for several days, until it became something more and my body started feeling numb. It was a strange experience as I only lately became accustomed to my senses being sharp and suddenly it seemed as if everything around me was in slow motion. The smell of blood lingering strongly on Kei every time he returned from his night walk was slowly getting to me and I couldn't think of anything else... even sleep wasn't as refreshing as it had been so far and as I got up one evening to go to the bathroom, everything went black.

I woke up to the sensation of something wet and lukewarm caressing my face and as I opened my eyes, my vision slightly blurry, I found Kei sitting next to me on the bed with a wet cloth in his hand and a worried look in his eyes.

"You should stop torturing yourself," he told me calmly as I sat up, feeling as if I had one drink too many the day before. I had to fight a strong urge to run to the bathroom and throw my guts out as my stomach cramped uncomfortably, but won at last and managed to glare at him. Opening my mouth still didn't seem very safe.

Kei just shook his head.

"You lost this fight when you were unable to draw that curtain back, Shou. You have to feed yourself."

"I won't kill," I managed to gasp and then ran to that bathroom finally as my insides convulsed violently. The outcome was only that I felt even weaker and my legs gave out on my way back to the bed – Kei was next to me in a split second and as he supported me, the smell of blood carried to me, even stronger than before, intoxicating as a cloud of perfume around Kei and I couldn't breathe properly until he laid me on the bed again.

With that, he left and I fell back into restless sleep.

He wasn't back when I woke up and feeling desperate, I tried feeding on rats.

It wasn't as easy as I believed from all the movies about vampires, no quick bite and sharp sucking. My hands shook when I tried to bring the animal close to my mouth and the rat violently thrashed in my grip, feeling its death drawing near. It managed to bite me at last and even if the wound closed quickly, the bitten place still ached.

The fur got to my mouth before I managed to break the skin, tougher than I thought. It tasted of rotten food and smelled of canalisation and I almost vomited before I could draw blood, but the urge to feed was stronger than me and I somehow managed to bite down sharp enough at last. I gulped the warm liquid down, but immediately, my stomach convulsed and I threw up again, in that dirty basement of the old apartment house where Kei had brought me back then. Disgusted and desperate, I managed to stumble back to our room and collapsed on the bed.

Kei returned some time later and I could see the horrified look on his face.

"Don't tell me you've done something stupid again," he shook his head at me as if I was a bratty kid once again. I wanted to retort something, but I felt weak and numb and feverish, as that one little gulp of blood didn't really satisfy the hunger, only made me feel worse.

Kei sat at my bed once again and touched my burning forehead. I felt on fire, but definitely not in a positive way – it was that vision-blurring, aching fire springing from my very bones I used to feel while being human and sick.

"You won't survive on rats," he lectured me while he was trying, with a wet cloth in his hand once more, to bring down my fever. Unsuccesfully, _that_ I knew even with his attempts to make it look as if it helped for real.

"Why?" I murmured hoarsely – even my throat felt sore, as if I had a cold… or just like when I was ten years old and drank absinthe for the first time. "I thought vampires could feed on animals."

He laughed, half amused, half bitter.

"Oh, yes, you can. When you're on a ship and don't want anyone to find out your true identity, you certainly can. But it's not something you'd want to do for an extended period of time… and definitely not something you should do with you being as young as you are."

I tried to protest, but he silenced me simply by dragging the wet cloth over my dry lips and smiled.

"There's a reason why you don't feed a raw steak to a newborn baby. The same goes for vampires. You have to get accustomed to blooddrinking at first, with blood as fresh and pure as you can get."

"I won't…"

"Oh yes, you will kill, Shou-chan. That, or go sunbathing tomorrow," he laughed dryly and left me again. In my feverish mind I wondered how embittered he seems about the whole thing, how he draws ironic pleasure from making me do the very things he loathes to do, from the mere knowledge I _will_ do what he tells me to… a thought sprang to my mind saying that he must have seen his own hopelessness in my futile resistance, must have felt how pointless his rare vegetarianism was.

I was too drowsy to really give it more than just a fleeting thought and I drifted off soon after.

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When I woke up, it was dark once again.

And Kei was there, next to me, sitting on a chair near my bed as if he had wanted to be close and still didn't want to wake me up with his sitting on the bed. When he noticed my stirring and blinking, he smiled, almost warmly.

"Get up, Shou," he told me, "I'll teach you tonight."

A shiver ran down my spine at the depth of those words. If I were human, I'd be free to read into them that second meaning I had hoped for so long.

But I wasn't and the meaning of that sentence was crystal clear to me.

"I don't want to," I answered automatically, but my hands shivered in anticipation and his hunger gazed at me through his dark eyes... and I knew I was lost.

"Is there no other way?" I asked and looked at him with hope that was long dead before he actually answered:

"You know there isn't. Not for us."

He helped me get up and gave me a few minutes to get dressed. It didn't take long as there weren't that many clothes to choose from and even they didn't fit me that much as they all were Kei's. His long cloak was a bit tight around my shoulders and it surprised me a lot that it seemed heavier and lighter at the same time as I, even in the poor state I was in, had more strenght than before to carry the weight, but at the same time was more aware of it.

Finally, we set out. The night was warm. I felt every strand of my hair moving according to the fresh breeze and the reflection of moonlight on almost everything made me gasp in surprise. I never really noticed how moonrays seemed to linger on glass, stones, wood, even concrete, and give them the blue and silver hue of night. Even then I still acknowledged colors around me, as a rainbow inside a dream, insubstantial, faded, but still recognizable.

Kei's black eyes suddenly seemed of the darkest moon-like blue when he looked at me and I exhaled loudly. The night was more beautiful than I could ever imagine, terrifying in the naked cruelty of the blood-stained corner of some house or the holes from shooting still on the wall of another, but none of those nasty images I had dealt with in the past could diminish the subtle beauty of the darkness.

And Kei was still looking at me with his usual sad, kind smile, looking so long that my heart started to ache slowly. I was closer to him that I had ever been before, and still the silvery light made him so distant that I was persuaded not to reach out as I felt he would dissolve into gleaming mist.

"We have to go," he spoke finally and broke that ghastly, mystical moment, grabbing my hand and taking his long, even strides along the street.

The pace he set was quick, but I didn't have a hard time keeping up with him and even managed to enjoy the touch of his hand over mine. I was used to that touch to be stone-cold, but now, I wasn't the warmest either despite my slight fever, so the touch felt natural – in fact, I suddenly realized that the whole world around me seemed warmer. As if the cold, icy Moon bathed us in the sunlight.

Then, I remembered how Kei used to grin and tell me about "Moonchild" – a common name for vampires people used some centuries ago. I never quite understood – or more, I couldn't understand it. The whole time I thought it had to do with the fact that vampires hated the Sun, so people gave them the opposite element... maybe it had even been so with the mere human minds that created that poetic nickname, not really getting the real feeling of it.

But now, I finally understood the warmth on a cold night. No, the night was not warm; the night was mine and I belonged to the Moon, to that pale, round faceless god who gave its warmth only to the selected few... gave his warm embrace to his miserable followers that couldn't get it anywhere else. It was understanding, it was loving, it was comforting... everything we could expect from a knowing parent to give to his sobbing child.

We were the children of the Moon.

I smiled dreamily as my thoughts got the better of me once again, but quickly lost the smile when Kei manoeuvred me into the middle of the crowd, young people thrashing in the whirlpool of music, intoxicated even more by their youth and carelessness than by alcohol and drugs.

The music was too loud even for human standards and my ears started ringing painfully. Kei must have noticed my wincing as he pulled me away from the huge speakers, through the crowd and to the far end of the street.

"Get used to it," he said and I was surprised that even through that noise I could make out his words clearly. For a moment, I pitied Kei for having to endure such huge parties with us over our earlier years, but I didn't have much time to really get it through as Kei pulled me towards the crowd and slid one arm around my waist.

Of course I was surprised, but my body started moving on its own and soon, it joined Kei's in a perfect rhythm. I was always a good dancer, but now, the beat seemed to pulse in my whole body as if it became a part of me. I let go and just moved as my body told me to, enjoyed the closeness and the heat that always came with so many people being so close, even outside, enjoyed the moonrays liquifying over everything despite the neon lights from the pub nearby.

"Always remember to blend into the crowd," he breathed over my ear and span me around, making me a bit dizzy and a lot careless as to what was to come. The atmosphere was absolutely enticing and I thought I could dance at that very spot with Kei for the whole night, when he pulled me away once more.

We stepped aside to some narrow alley and I wanted to ask what was wrong, when he pressed his finger over my lips and nodded to the side.

I glanced that way and the whole excitement from dancing left me in a split second. A young couple stood there, heatedly making out as if there was no tomorrow, hands intertwined in wild abandon. The boy was pressing the girl against the wall some twenty meters from us.

"No," I whispered, even though I was sure that those two wouldn't notice even if I yelled now. Kei's look was unreadable – I think he wanted to stay cold and unreasonable, and wasn't able to do so due to the hurt look in my eyes.

Not that I was afraid of killing, mind you. I did my share of killing while I was still human and not every single murder was done in a cold-blooded, well-thought-out way. In fact, those rational ones were even more cruel as they often involved an innocent man in order to get our point through.

But the notion of innocence in our business was fairly nonexistent and I felt that there was a world's difference between killing a yakuza for money and killing a youngster that was still only a child... to feed myself.

"You have to overcome your prejudices," Kei whispered back as if he knew what I was thinking. Oh, but of course he knew... my horrified look must have been very clear as to what I thought.

"Prejudices?" I hissed, "You call the common human morals prejudices?!"

"You're not human."

His cold, factful statement made me gape in surprise. Yes, I knew it all along, ever since I discovered that he had changed me... but hearing it voiced was somehow feeling more real, more final and I almost heard something inside me crack.

He was right. I was not human anymore. But it was not as easy to persuade my mind that the body which belonged to it was no longer of the same species. It wasn't easy to throw away all the thinking and just let go in the right direction.

"I'll help you, Shou. I promise," he smiled again, a hopeless smile this time, the one that gave me shivers rather than reassurance.

I knew I had to do it, sooner or later. My body was becoming numb again, the freshness of the night having been drifted off by the smell of blood, faint, but ever present – the couple most probably kissed too passionately and one or both of them got a split lip. I smelled it even at that distance, smelled it and wanted it, instinctively, despite the protests of my mind.

"Do it, Shou," he urged me and slightly pushed me in the direction of those two.

I almost stumbled as I was pushed forward, which amused me slightly, the idea of a stumbling vampire being so ridiculous... only if it wasn't reality. The couple looked at us and it felt as if a herd of sheep was looking at the wolves, as if they weren't two separate beings but one universal mind of the victims, of the prey. It felt terrible and it turned me into some kind of trance or something like that, because I can't really remember how I got close to them, how they separated or how I chose him instead of her. I don't know if Kei somehow pushed me towards that boy, mentally or physically, but the next thing I felt was the slightly salty taste of human sweat and bitter trail of perfume on his neck as I licked his skin. It felt oddly rough for a young man's skin, but maybe my senses were just playing with me again, giving me sensations I didn't really want. My eyes fell closed on their own as I sucked instinctively, remembered the learned impulses of lovemaking and enjoyed skin under my lips, however rough.

Then I tried to think of a reason why am I standing there in some back alley with some stranger, kissing his neck... and then, my teeth scraped his neck and my consciousness returned full force, leaving burned illusions behind.

I wasn't making love to a stranger there... I was _feeding_ on him, or at least that was what I should've been doing. I was supposed to bite down on his vein and suck out his blood, take his life and send him to nowhere, to the cold, wet ground to rot, in order to satisfy my hunger. I pulled my mouth away from him in horror, took a tiny step backwards and looked at him. But before I could do or say anything, I felt pain in my stomach, stabbing, sharp pain and I thought that now I'd really have to feed, that my hunger was starting to feel too painful...

Then, I looked down and realized that it wasn't hunger that hurt so much. A knife was sticking out of my stomach and I touched the boy's hand, still closed over the handle of that small, sharp weapon. I should've cried, screamed or at least feel terrified, but all I could feel was morbid fascination, cold, uninterested wonder over the knife I felt in my insides, scratching against my ribs, breaking my tissues, piercing my stomach... and I knew I should die here, because no real human being could possibly survive this.

But suddenly, I wanted to know how much I could endure, this new body Kei had given me. The pain was excruciating but fascinating at the same time, like a drug that gives you the most horrible headache but at the same time makes you see rainbows, and I grabbed the boy's wrist tightly, pushing the blade deeper into my own body. It felt strangely intimate, as if I were a virgin urging my lover deeper inside me, and in a twisted sense it was even deeper inside, that knife that should have ended my life – which, ironically enough, had ended alredy.

I saw blood oozing from the wound, the blood that flew out of my veins but wasn't really mine and was soon to be replenished, because with every drop that dribbled down my stomach, my leg and onto the puddle on the ground, I felt hunger.

It wasn't the hunger of a beast, untameable, wild and overpowering. It was hunger of a human, controlled, slow, and that much worse. I knew what I was doing when I looked into his terrified eyes. Sour stench rose to my nostrils and I knew he had wet his pants. Oh, how terrifying I must have looked, with a blade in my stomach and a wild smile on my face. I felt connected to him, connected through his knife and through his wrist, which I still held – I heard him whine quietly when I squeezed. I might have broken a few of the small bones in his hand... he seemed so fragile to me. Like a child... no, not a child. Child means human... and he was 'food'.

At that second, I feared myself. I feared the fact that I just thought about a human being as if he were only a bowl of ramen, as if there was no more to him than blood, than FOOD.

I searched the depths of my soul for any sign of humanity, for respect towards the boy who had the guts to take out a knife against a monster like me. I searched desperately for something that was not there suddenly, and it terrified me. I though instantly that I would not be able to kill him. I opened my mouth and let him see my fangs and I brought up his hand along with the knife – my own blood dribbled from the blade still – and bit it.

My teeth didn't sink into his skin like a hot knife into butter. It took a few moments until human tissue gave way to vampiric hunger, but to him, it must have been only a split second. He screeched in terror, and suddenly I was thrown back, I heard his voice muffled and then a crack, and the next thing I saw was Kei.

He leaned over me and in his eyes, there was pain and anger and disapprovement.

"I thought they would be drugged by our presence..." I whispered, and his whole body mocked me for my naivety.

"They are not. There is no such thing as kind death."

I understood what he meant. There is no such thing as killing someone kindly for food... there is no such thing as a kind vampire. Then, it dawned on me that I never really knew him. I couldn't... he was trying his best to be human for me, he was kind and warm and loving and... false. So very false that I wanted to scream just like that boy had done before Kei killed him. I wanted to just let my head fall back and yell into the night how wrong I was for my whole life, how I desired a lie, loved someone who didn't exist outside my mind.

But I didn't. Maybe because I knew that there would be no merciful death for me from Kei's hands. He gave me unmerciful immortality... that was all there was now. No death, no mercy.

No redemption.

Kei leaned over the dead body and gave me a sorrowful smirk. I wondered instantly where the girl had gone, if she had run away or was so shocked that she couldn't scream... but when I looked to the side, I saw her lying on the ground, unmoving. While I was playing with the boy and his knife... Kei had his dinner. Or... considering what we were... breakfast.

"I never really understood you," I whispered, frowning slightly. Why I never realized before how different from me – us – he was? Why did I realize it only after I've become the same as him? It was so ironic I wanted to laugh, but he did that for me... his laughter cut my insides more painfully than any knife ever could.

"Of course you didn't. How could a child understand a parent's feelings? A little boy can give sympathy to his father, can tell him all those 'don't worry Daddy, it'll be fine' and hug him too... but he can't comprehend his father's feelings. He lacks experience. The father had been a kid once... but the kid has yet to grow up and experience all that himself... only then he may begin to comprehend..."

His voice trailed off as he glanced at the corpse under his feet. I half-expected him to kick the dead boy, but instead, his face looked sullen all of a sudden, as if he regretted things long gone in the past.

"You're still human," I affirmed to myself, not sure if what I said was right, but feeling that it was the closest I was going to get to the truth tonight. The truth about who Kei was, and the truth about the person I had to become sooner or later... and later could be one hell of a long time...


End file.
